I used to climb mountains in snow and ice,
hanging onto the sides of great rocks.
I was describing one of my adventures
to an older friend once,
and when I had finished he asked me:
"Why do you want to kill yourself?"
I protested.
I told him that the rewards I wanted were of sight,
of pleasure, of the thrill of pitting my body
and my skills against nature.
My friend replied:
"When you are as old as I am you will see
that you are trying to kill yourself."
I often dream about falling.
Such dreams are commonplace to the ambitious
or those who climb mountains.
I dreamed I was clutching at the face of a rock
but it did not hold. Gravel gave way.
I grasped for a shrub, but it pulled loose,
and in cold terror I fell into the abyss.
Suddenly I realized that my fall was relative;
there was no bottom and no end.
A feeling of pleasure overcame me.
I realized that what I embody, the principle of life,
cannot be destroyed.
It is written into the cosmic code,
the order of the universe.
As I continued to fall in the dark void,
embraced by the vault of the heavens,
I sang to the beauty of the stars
and made my peace with the darkness.
(From The Cosmic Code by Heinz Pagels)
(Heinz fell to death in July 1988)